Flawed and (Still) Worthy

When we let go of something that is taking up a lot of space, it creates a lot of space and that empty space can be scary. It can be uncomfortable and make us want to shrink back into our old patterns and ways of being. Why? Because it’s comfortable; our dysfunction is comfortable and we don’t know any better. I consciously work at unraveling the limiting-belief of being unworthy every single day. As an adult, I know this conversation stems from the unresolved feelings surrounding my adoption. 

“I am not enough.” Because if I was enough and worthy of love, my biological parents would have kept me. They didn’t. I wasn’t chosen and not only did I not feel chosen growing up, I also had the privilege of hearing this belief and fear from the mouths of my (adoptive) parents directly. I was 18-years old when it was officially revealed that I was adopted. During that conversation, my father told me that my adoption was a burden — I was a burden on the entire family. For reasons I will never understand, from the day I was born, my adoption became this dark family secret and everyone in the family was told to avoid interaction with me because they didn’t want to risk anyone telling me the truth; the adults pointed and stared while gossiping amongst themselves, the children refused to play with me. Can you imagine how insecure I felt as a child? 

I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I grew up believing that I was worthless, unlovable and undeserving of anything good in life. Childhood sexual abuse and trauma further damaged my self-worth; leaving me feeling violated, disconnected and degraded. It took years for me to realize that the abuse didn’t stop when those experiences ended. I took over where they left off and continued to abuse and punish myself with perfectionism, harsh self-criticism and by seeking out abuse from others. For years, I have been vividly aware and accountable to playing small. I have countlessly acknowledged the belief of my unworthiness and each time had to find the strength to tell it to fuck-off. And on most days, I win that battle; I’m resilient and I know how to fight. But when I lose, it’s devastating and it drags me into an extremely dark place. You see my strength, but it’s rare when I let you see my weakness.

They say the greater the struggle, the higher the purpose. I truly believe that every single challenge and obstacle that I have endured has made me stronger for the purpose of teaching others how to be resilient. As a result, I live and breathe a life of contribution because my wounds are my message. My professional life, service projects and mentoring are the new horizons that my worthiness have allowed me to venture into. I’m excited to extend the “why” of my life’s work, but it’s a space I’m still maneuvering — a space where fear and limiting beliefs always sneak back into the picture, making me question whether or not I’ve even learned anything.

But then I remind myself… 

We are not the result of our actions; we are our actions. And when we act in alignment with ourselves and with truth, authenticity and love, we will never fail. When we do what we love we will always be a success, regardless of the outcome because we are walking in our power. Over the years, I have grown to appreciate that this is why risking, starting before we’re ready and taking big swings are so important. My limiting belief of being unworthy was a huge fucking crutch that was allowing me to shrink and stay small — in friendships, relationships and business. It took up a whole lot of time, energy and filled my life with scarcity, low self-esteem and relationships with absolutely no boundaries. But rest assured, the work of letting go of unworthy has already been done. My heart is open and I am ready to fill that big empty space with something seriously fucking awesome.

Abundance, success, connection and love are all waiting for you in that space once you let go of the need to be a victim to your past. These things can’t enter into your life unless you create a place for them to grow. You’ve all heard the expression, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” For those of us battling the unworthy conversation, I implore you to ask instead, “What would you do if you felt 100% worthy?”

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